


lullabies kill monsters

by quesalpha (ummonique)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-27
Updated: 2015-07-27
Packaged: 2018-04-11 12:54:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4436261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ummonique/pseuds/quesalpha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which dan is bad again and cant talk so they communicate through paper and pen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	lullabies kill monsters

Some people say being with someone for so long and knowing everything about them was the best thing in the world. Phil Lester didn’t know if that was true or not because he’s known Dan for six years and picking up on the signs that the person you love is  going back to the dark parts that engulf them is the worst thing  he’s ever known, the worst thing was the person he loves  is fighting a war and no one ever taught t him  how to win, but Phil was trying.

Dan had been okay for at least the last six months, but Phil could feel the band taking over Dan again. He knew Dan was trying to hide it too, but Phil knew Dan too well.

Some nights Dan got quiet, he would barely talk, he would only engage in minimal conversation; necessary things he had to say or to indicate to Phil even though he wasn’t talking, he wasn’t bad again. That’s why, the complete silence filling their apartment was scaring Phil.

Dan hadn’t spoken to him since yesterday night. Phil assumed he just needed time in his head, but he also had to be wary about the amount of time than spending in his head. He couldn’t remember the last time Dan was bad. Crying out of nowhere, barely (sometimes not at all) eating or sleeping _bad_. Having Phil to have to check his body every day to make sure Dan hadn’t found a new path of skin he hadn’t tried yet _bad._

Phil remembered the first time Dan told him. It was their first Skype to reach five hours, everything felt safe. Phil had said it was because secrets are easier to tell when its dark, it was like the world couldn’t hear you, like quiet was safe. Dan agreed.

Dan told him how all his life he had always felt like he was grey and was living in a bright world but no one could see him, _yet_ , which Phil didn’t believe, because even to this day, Dan was the only colourful thing he could see.

-

“ Maybe I’m gray too, and that’s why you’re all I can see “ Phil blurted out. Both the boys going red. “ Maybe “ Dan replied, not thinking much of it, assuming Phil was only trying to cheer him up. “ Or maybe it's because you waste all your time skipping me so I’m the only person you’ve interacted with and talking to yourself would be weird “. “ I'm not wasting my time on you “ this voice makes Dan feel something in his chest flip, causing his heart beat to increase.

“ I feel like you’re safe, “ he declares.

“ I hope I am “.

“ I want to talk to you more, but I'm so tired “ Dan pouted. “ I want to talk to you and stare at you more “ Phil says in a low voice that Dan hopes he can hear in person one day. “ Why don’t you stay? Watch me sleep so you can s-stare at me until you fall asleep”>

“ Wouldn’t you find that creepy?” Phil swallows around his dry throat, Dan is usually too shy to make any moves, ever.

“ please. stay “ Dan says smiling, cheeks red. He hoped Phil couldn’t see.

“ Okay, I can't promise to not take screenshots though, I bet your sleeping face is beautiful” Phil says in a tone Dan will learn he uses to win arguments. “ Okay, sure “ Dan’s heart was beating so viciously he was scared he would malfunction or something. He knew heart palpitations could get you sent to an emergency room, but, god the thought of Phil watching him sleep made safe more than a four letter word.

~

Not only is their apartment terrifyingly silent, which made the atmosphere somewhat suffocating, only one light was on. Phil followed the light to find Dan at their dining table, hands fiddling with the ends of his sleeves, eyes big, scared, tired.

“ Dan?” Phil’s inaudible tiny voice manages to get done to make eye contact with him. Phil hesitantly sits opposite of Dan. Dan drops his head to avoid looking at Phil. After a moment Phil feels like his lungs are drowning. He knew, Dan was _bad_ again.

“ Dan?, baby what's wrong? Can you tell me? “ Phil refrains from reaching out to hold Dan's  hand, he knew he would be swatted away. Dan doesn’t answer, instead he reaches for a notebook that Phil left on the table the other day, he grabs the pen along with it and places it in front of him.

-          I can’t do it anymore, I want to die.

Dan slid the notebook over to Phil. As Phil read the words, he felt his chest tighten but doesn’t notice the whimper that escaped his mouth. He wrote back:

-          **You got better, you can do it again, I promise.**

He slides  it back to Dan and watches him write. Phil can’t help but notice how steady his hand is and how composed his body language is compared to Phil. _So fucking composed._

-          I don’t know if I can this time, I get so bad so quickly, I’m just so tired. 

-          **I’m still learning how to help you, Dan, I just want you to be everything I know you are.**

-          Phil, this isn’t easy, I’m terrified to tell you because, you’re what gave me the confidence to live and I don’t know if I can let you do that again.

When Phil reads what Dan wrote it was like a punch to the stomach, I felt his throat swollen, refraining from crying when Dan needed him the most. Phil lets out a shaky breath, his body trembling for the worst reason possible.

**-you used to tell me all when you started to get bad, remember? I’m still here, I still love you just the same, I’ll still hold you the same, why didn’t you tell me ?**

Phil’s hand writing was big and messy and the tears that fogged up his sight didn’t help with the shaking. Phil looked at Dan, his dank His Dan the one that was right in front of him, but Phil felt like Dan didn’t see him right now, but Phil could see Dan, he could see the way Dan smiled at Phil and only at Phil, hadn’t changed since the day they met. He could point out what faded scars on Dan’s body held the most meaning, he remembered the story for every single one. Phil could only see Dan, but he knew Dan had something inside of him that he tried to cut out of himself that Phil couldn’t scare away.

-          You didn’t notice.

The affects those three words had on Phil made him hold down his hand on his stomach as if it would keep him in reality. “ Dan “ his quiet voice is so desperate, his throat gives way, making him cry.

-          **Please.  i know things will get better just, please**

Was all Phil could write. All the thoughts swimming in his head weren’t going to help Dan, he knew that.

-          Phil I’m hurting you , you’d be so much better without me

 

-          - **I’m crying because you’re trying to leave**  

 

“ please don’t leave me, Dan”  Phil lets out an sob, looking Dan directly in the eyes.

“ I,uh” Dan tries to say something but breaks into a sob. He writes it down instead

-          Phil, I love you so much but hating myself is easier,.

 

“ love makes you weak “ Dan mumbles under his breath

Phil grabs Dan’s wrists and squeezes them tightly “ Dan look at me” he says with urgency. Dan looks up, his eyes filling with tears. “ you always called me the strongest person to you , _and I love you_ so fucking much “ his voice breaks. “ Dan whatever you’re fighting inside, I’m going to be here, fighting right beside you. Right fucking beside you.” Dan starts to silently cry.

“ loving you is all I want to do for the rest of my life, fighting beside you _, for you_ , I will honestly do that for you, forever. “

Dan lowers his head to cry into his chest. “ I j-just “ Dan takes a deep breath “ ha-hate mmyself so much, Phil, I’m scared to not , I can’t help it” he starts shaking in his seat. Phil gets up and helps Dan, pulling him into a desperate hug. He’s clingy onto Dan as Dan cries into his shoulder. Dan’s arms are on phials chest, hands flat against his shirt as phials grip tightens so much, it’s like he’s trying to take the sad from Dan..

“ Baby, please, I’ll try to make it better, we’ll try together to make you better, okay?” Phil isn’t sobbing anymore, they had been like this for so long, he forgot there was a world outside of Dan. “We’ll work together, we do that the best yeah?” Phil never wants to let go of the hold he has on Dan at this moment. “ Mmm, we do, “ Dan says into phials shoulders

“ I love you “ Phil says into Dan’s hair

“ I love you, too” Dan says , making his voice louder so he knows Phil heard him.

“ when I’m scared, it’s mostly because I know I’ll  scare you “. Dan’s hand clenches phials shirt.

“ bear” Phil whispers, runs his fingers through Dan’s hair. “ you only scare me because you have power to take away  you from me “ Phil uses his other hand to rub soothing circles on Dan’s back.

“ I’m trying to not do that “ Dan  looks up to look Phil in the eyes.

“ I know” Phil leans down to kiss Dan.

Dan pulled back and walked over to the notebook, ripping off the page they wrote on, scrunching it up and he started to write something else.

**Note to self : Phil loves you, so you should love you too.**

And even though Phil still knew Dan wasn’t cured,, that his war wasn’t over yet, he knew Dan well enough to know he was going to try.

**Author's Note:**

> what even is this oh dear. rip me.


End file.
